Writing sex scenes – whether steamy, romantic, or explicit – can be a daunting task for any author. When it comes to writing gay sex scenes, there’s the added layer of wanting to accurately represent LGBTQ+ experiences while still serving the story and your characters. Whether you’re penning erotica or weaving intimate moments into a romance, here are ten tips to help you craft sex scenes that resonate with readers.
1. Know your characters inside and out
Sex scenes are never just about sex – they’re about your characters. What do they want out of this encounter? Is it an expression of love, lust, exploration or even tension? Understanding your characters’ motivations, preferences and vulnerabilities will make the scene feel personal and true to them.
2. Research LGBTQ+ experiences
Even if you identify with the LGBTQ+ community, it’s important to recognise that gay men’s experiences vary widely. What’s realistic for one might not be for another. If you’re writing outside your lived experience, take time to read personal essays, memoirs or other fiction from gay authors. Understanding cultural nuances and common experiences will help you avoid stereotypes or misinformation.
3. Ditch the stereotypes
There’s no one “right way” to have gay sex and portraying characters as fitting neatly into dominant/passive or top/bottom roles can feel reductive. Avoid tired tropes, and allow your characters to explore their own dynamics naturally.
4. Focus on consent
Consent is crucial in real life and fiction alike. Showing explicit consent – verbal or non-verbal – adds depth and authenticity to your scene. It can also be an opportunity to showcase vulnerability and trust between characters.
5. Make it emotional, not just physical
The most compelling sex scenes are about more than bodies – they’re about connection. Whether it’s a fling or a committed relationship (see 1, above), let the characters’ emotions come through. Is there nervousness? Overwhelming desire? A sense of relief or belonging? These feelings add richness to the narrative.
6. Write beyond the bedroom
Sex doesn’t have to start with the characters tumbling into bed. Foreplay can begin long before anyone gets naked. Build tension through dialogue, body language and small touches. Anticipation can make the payoff even more satisfying for readers.
7. Don’t shy away from the details – but be thoughtful
Gay sex scenes often require more specific anatomical knowledge, especially for cis male partners. For instance, writing about anal sex requires an understanding of preparation and pacing. Vagueness or inaccuracies can pull readers out of the scene, but so can overly clinical descriptions. Aim for a balance that feels natural and true to the tone of your story.
8. Choose the right level of explicitness
Think about your audience and genre. In a romance novel, a fade-to-black scene might work best while erotica readers expect explicit details. Decide what serves the story and your characters without going beyond your comfort zone as a writer.
9. Respect boundaries – yours and your characters’
Writing sex scenes can feel vulnerable and that’s okay. If something feels off or forced, step back and reassess. Similarly, not all characters will approach intimacy the same way and that’s fine. Write scenes that are true to the characters, even if they differ from what you’d expect.
10. Get feedback from authenticity readers
If you’re writing outside your own experience, consider working with an authenticity reader who is familiar with the nuances of gay relationships and sex. They can help you identify areas that might feel unrealistic, offensive or clichéd.
At their core, sex scenes are an extension of storytelling. They’re an opportunity to reveal something new about your characters and their relationships. Whether your scene is sweet, raw, or unapologetically erotic, authenticity and respect will always resonate with readers.
Is your sex scene telling us something about the characters? Are you moving the plot forward? Is it there for the sake of it?
If you want specific guidance for your book, make sure you ask about my editorial or reading services.
Nick (he/him) is an experienced, professional editor and proofreader, specialising in LGBTQ+ writing. Use this form to get in touch right now!
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